Author: Vanessa Williams, RYT 200 – CTR Community Care Yoga Coordinator

Death is an unpredictable and inevitable occurrence we are all promised to experience in our lifetimes. For the most part, we all share the hope that we will die peacefully in our sleep in old age, leaving our loved ones with memories, valuable lessons, and a feeling that they can celebrate the completion of our life cycle.  But what do we do when the memories bring up negative emotions and regret or the circumstances are hard to understand? We hold our breath and often get stuck in anger, hopelessness, and depression. I’ve been there twice in my life. 

In 2009 my brother was brutally murdered at the age of 23. While awaiting trials I felt as though my life was on hold, I dissociated and have very little recollection of those two years of my life. After the trials ended I was angry. I isolated myself and began to live in my new identity as “the girl whose brother was killed”. 

I got comfortable being a victim of the circumstance and began to focus outward. I became fixated on my physical appearance and immersed myself in my job of helping others to avoid the uncomfortable feelings I had within. While I was holding things in, I was simultaneously and unknowingly holding my breath.

Fast forward to 2020, my partner fell ill with pneumonia that attacked his heart and kidneys. Over the next year, we lived in isolation to conceal his illness. In 2021 his heart stopped as he collapsed in our living room just two days after Thanksgiving and two days before our daughter’s 4th birthday. Here I was again experiencing the sudden loss of another important man in my life. But this time it wasn’t just me, I had our daughter to care for, to be okay for.

I knew I could not hold my breath again, I had to find a healthy way to process the loss and my grief; I had to find a way to breathe through the discomfort, pain, and hopelessness.

Through this loss I was intentional about allowing space to grieve, I could not stay in isolation, and I needed support. I returned to talk therapy and although it was helpful, I needed to learn to move through stuck emotions as I attempted to process them. In March of 2022, I embarked on a life-changing journey with Satya Yoga Cooperative through their immersive training program.

Deepening my yoga practice and beginning to integrate the lessons from my mat to my daily life not only helped me in grief but I was also able to identify and heal wounds that I have carried my whole life.

Being a part of this community came with an extreme vulnerability; a concept that was foreign to me, as I had always worked extra hard to present as “okay” regardless of what I was feeling inside. My healing started with that first deep breath and community embrace. 

Yoga not only changed the direction of my life, it saved me from drowning and I am incredibly grateful to share the practice and hold space for others on their journey in healing.