We all know the “Can’t, Won’t, Don’t” person: the client who says they want to function better; the employee who says they will perform better; and the family member who promises to change—but—they don’t. On the flip side, helpers know what it is like to be this person’s therapist, boss, friend or family member.
When the CWD person says they want to change, helpers jump for joy and may offer support and resources. When change doesn’t occur, the CWD person rationalizes the failure and they may shrug it off or experience guilt, shame, sadness, hopelessness, or anger.
Regarding future change efforts the CWD person may say to themselves or to their helpers, “I promise I will be different.” If, the no-change process repeats itself, both the CWD and the helping person become frustrated. As a result, both find themselves stuck in a cycle of frustration.
This cycle is compounded by the next phase in which the CWD person and the helper go either on the defense by engaging in processes of diagnosing, threatening, and shaming.
Eventually, one or the other gives up and pronounces “I’m done.” The CWD person may be fired, they quit, or one cuts off from the other. The blame game begins, judgements are made and and both suggest that the other is deemed to be lazy, resistant, afraid, or uncaring.
How does one understand the motivation of the CWD person and how might the helper engage more effectively? An explanation for the CWD behavior can be found in the fields of evolution and psychology.
Evolution and neuroscience describe how humans are hardwired for survival, how we respond to threats, real or perceived, and how we automatically seek physical and emotional comfort to avoid distress and pain. Survival in the 21st Century extends beyond one’s physical survival and pertains to one’s health, finances, emotions, career/job, and social life.
Self-preservation, self-protection, are hard wired neurological processes which occur inside and outside our conscious awareness.
Change is possible when the CWD person consciously accepts two things: 1) Not changing threatens some aspect of their survival; and 2) the discomfort or pain of not changing becomes greater than the pain of change.
Also, if the helper, helps the CWD person less, the potential for change is enhanced. Ideas from psychology such as empowerment and self determination can guide the efforts of the helper to simply: 1) stay connected 2) to walk beside 3) avoid intruding, and 4) respect boundaries and resist telling the CWD person what to do.
People change when they believe it is necessary. This is the process of change and when it is practiced the “Can’t, Won’t, Don’t” person becomes one who “Can, Will, and Does”.